DEAR DINO,
Having trawled through the archives of old comber boys match
reports I am concerned that several members of your club may
have been introduced to the "Magic Purple Sponge"
at an early age. I have uncovered evidence of a potential "Bung
taker" who's life skills may have been seriously affected
by this trauma and turned to drink and drugs.
Please could you pass my details on to these individuals as
I am currently preparing reunion with Alan(puckered star) Brazil
.
I may be contacted via the toilets at island hill at 10.45pm
most weekends.
Simmy Janford
Simmy,
I am having some trouble tracking these
individuals as every member of our club turned to drink at the
tender age of six months old, and quite frankly it could be
any of them. Any allegation of drug abuse amongst the club is
totally unfounded, although several members have nearly overdosed
on Buckfast tonic wine on more than one occassion.
Inky has kindly volunteered to meet you
at the Island Hill toilets at the weekend to take further notes.
He has informed me that he often 'walks the dog' there at the
weekend when it gets dark. I have questioned the fact that he
does not have a dog, but he assures me he often finds an old
stray out there.
Dino,
I am at my wits end.
A few weeks back, I got involved
with some people from the TA in a drinking binge.
To cut a long story short, we ended up scaling fences and running
through my estate through all the gardens.
Anyway, in a fit of stupidity I came across a clothes line with
lots and lots of skimpy undrwear, and I happen to know the very
*friendly* person that lives there.. (she would get it all shapes
), so I am ashamed to say, I took all the knickers.
As if that isnt bad enough, I
now masturbate regulary with them on my head, and I am really
into it.
I am worried this is going too
far, though.
Last Tuesday, I went around the
garden and I could see her cooking in the kitchen, the dirty
pregnant dog.
She seen me I think, but she
could never have recognised me as I had her black thong stretched
over my face.
What do you think I should do?
Either I can just hang them back up on her line some night,
or post them, or just keep them and throp away to my hearts
content, - besides its healthy isnt it?
Thanks
Rambo.
Dino,
Its happened again, and this
time its worse.
I had way too much to drink on
Sat, and then on Sunday what with the football on tv and all,
I got well hammered.
Anyway I woke up this morning
for work, and found myself lying on the bathroom floor surrounded
by not only the entire collection of knickers from before, but
another tranche, and they were for, - lets say, a larger lady.
I think I know who owns them,
but I am not sure. I even took some socks this time, and I am
now getting a great kick out of putting the knickers on my head,
and then thropping one off into the socks, - especially the
nylon ones.
Do you think I should stop?
I am worried it may escalate
further and I could get arrested.
If I dont get some advice, I
am going to leave them at the church car park for the boot sale
every saturday, and maybe move to Carrick to get away from the
temptation.
Am I over reacting?
Big Rambo.
Big Rambo
First things first just calm yourself
down. The main thing is not to panic in a situation like this.
I get 100's of problems every week and it is not the 1st time
i have come across a problem like this infact it is quite common
nowadays.
I understand that you feel you have fallen
into a trap and cant get out of it and that the temptation is
always going to be there whenever you have had a few drinks
to go out and do what we call nowadys knicker knacking! Trust
me the temptation will go away i have met many men who have
been in this situation and thought there was no way out and
have now moved on and have even got themselves a job and believe
it or believe it not even with the Ulster bank!!
Can i suggest that the next few months
are crucial for you and what you need to do is be around close
freinds over the christmas and when drinking think off other
things apart from ladies underwear. Focus on something else
for example like cute puppies or angels floating on the clouds.
If this doesnt work for you the best
thing you can do is to make sure you have Hollyoaks omnibus
or Babecast on the TV when you have the knickers on your head
and are thropping off into the nylon soaks!! Trust me from what
ive heard its the way forward!!
So to conclude Rambo dont panic, be around
friends, think of other things and if no use tune into channel
on a Sunday morning!!
Remember check yourself dont wreck yourself!!
Uncle Dino
Dino,
Thanks for that, but now I am
really in big trouble.
A few years back I was in the
far east, and there was this one girl who I was with for a while,
and she was into all sorts of things.
Without being too crude, she had these beads. Well, she persuaded
me one night to try them, and she stuck 27 of them up my hole.
When I was coming she ripped them out, and I have to admit,
it was something else altogether.
Anyway, it got me thinking the other weekend, about it, what
with the knickers and socks thing, and my fears about things
escalating were justified.
I now not only use the big knickers and socks, but I have a
dog lead, and its covered in studs, but it does the job just
as well, in fact - if I am honest, its even better than the
beads.
It hurt at first, but I am beginning
to get used to it.
Here is the problem; my dog doesnt want to go out for a walk
anymore, I think it can smell something is up, if you know what
I mean....
Thank f*** he cant speak or I
would be in prison.
Whats next? Can I meet with you
and discuss this in private? Will you promise you wont laugh?
I dont know who else to turn
to, I called the Samaritans and the guy on the other end of
the line couldnt stop laughing, and then put me on the speakerphone...the
Bast***.
Help.
Rambo,
Don't waste your time with the Samaritans.
I will send you my number and we can meet up and discuss. For
reseach purposes only of course, please bring your beads, dog
lead and any knickers you have lying about. The bigger the knickers
the better.
Uncle Dino,
I have been sleeping with one
of my mate’s mums. I have a feeling that she wants to
leave her husband and move in with me. I am not sure because
lately I have been getting suspicious about her behaviour, she
keeps calling me M**e sometimes D**e and mostly C***h, added
to the fact that when peeing I have a real burning sensation.
I am not sure if I am the only one that she has been fooling
about with, perhaps she has passed on something around all my
mates. I mean she is great in the sack and does amazing thing
with her tongue. I am concerned that if my mate finds out he
will fall out with me. I think I can live with her putting it
about the town, but what should I do? Should I tell my mate?
Should I tell the lads that I know about them sleeping with
my mates mum, in the hope that they end it and that will leave
her all for me and big F**d? Should I just walk away? Or should
I get her to move in with me and hope that her son forgives
us and starts calling me uncle H***h?
Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance for your help.
Uncle H***h,
Being a man around town I can fully understand
where you are coming from and have been in the position you
now find in yourself many times. My philosophy is any whole
is a goal and as you are not renowned for scoring on the pitch,
I would continue scoring off it. I also firmly believe that
friends should share, so why not arrange for all of you to join
your local Swingers club and get it all out in the open. I can
firmly recommend the Old Cross Inn in Newtownards as advertised
in your local newspaper and Contact magazine.
Regarding the burning sensation when peeing – you have
to remember that there is no gain without pain, so take it like
a man and enjoy the torture. Failing that, dip your little soldier
in a bottle of bathroom detergent and your pain will be relieved.
Uncle Dino
Uncle Dino,
My teams performance is crap,
what can I do?
B. Devlin
I love when I can recommend and solve
a problem so easy. Stop supporting the Beggars and get yourself
down to Windsor. I can recommend a day out watching the GAWA
for solving all major illnesses.
Dear Dino
I recently became a football manager and i really enjoy the
crack..however recently I have found myself becoming aroused
when my team are showering. Or big keeper b4 he got hurt was
my fav..in fact i once put 3 fingers up his bum b4 he smiled
at me..do u think i may be gay??or just mb confused..plz help
me..cause our new keeper only takes 2fingers and he doesnt smile..
WeeInky
WeeInky,
It seems that you have a bit of a problem,
but you have to ask yourself is 3 fingers really that much better
than 2 and is a smile really that important? A little known
fact is that prior to becoming an agony Uncle I used to be a
goalkeeper for my local club, before suffering a serious injury
in the shower. A most embarrassing incident as I slipped on
a piece of soap and ended up going on my bum. Unfortunately
my manager was washing his hands in the shower at the time and
he pierced my rectum with his fingers. Funnily enough his name
was Inky as well…….now hold on a minute
Hi Uncle Dino
I have a few very important questions
that i need help with.
1.) How is the best why to treat
a conker to get maximum strength from it?
I have found that if you dip the conker
in Knobwax and then place it under your bell end for a week
no one will come close to beating you.
2.) Are European conkers stronger
than irish conkers?
As you are aware I hold the European Conker
World Champion and currently hold the record of a 52 timer.
Previously I would have said that you could not beat a good
Comber Conker, but the Danish Conkers appear to be the best
I have ever seen. Please note that in international competition
you must play with conkers from your own country. Any accusations
that I have broken these rules while recently competing in Copenhagen
or entirely false.
3.) If you go to bed with 30
Conkers in your possession, how many should you expect to still
have in the morning?
I would say on average 3. On many occasions
I take conkers to bed and place them under my bell end in order
to strengthen them. They are never all there in the morning
and seem to ‘disappear’ in my pants.
4.) How is the best way to draw
attention away from yourself if you find yourself naked in a
hotel reception area in a foreign country?
Why draw attention away from yourself?
Most foreign countries are very liberal and encourage this type
of behaviour, especially the Danish. One of my motto’s
is if you’ve got it flaunt it. Nothing better than letting
that last chicken in Sainsbury’s out to get some air.
5.) How many orange Bacardi Brezzers
can a grown man drink before he turns into a woman and how many
does it take to get drunk?
A grown man drink Bacardi Brezzers? Are
you serious? This must be some kind of wind up.
Yours
The Conker Appreciation Society( CAS )
Dear CAS
I have answered your questions above in white.
Dear Dino,
My problem is well.......... I don't like to talk about it but
well..... I feel I must, there's a bloke in my work and well
I think he's taken a bit of a fancy to me, I say I think, I
mean he has, he's always following me about and always trying
to bribe me with a free Combertnc t shirt in exchange for going
to the Kremlin for cocktails, but he just doesn't understand
that I'm not in the slightest bit interested in him or
any blokes of that matter, besides the whole Pugsy from Soccer
AM look does nothing for me anyway? So what if he says he's
an amazing goalkeeper for the Young Men and once went 15 games
in a row where he scored more goals than he conceded, is this
supposed to impress me?
What do I do Dino?
What do I do?
A Harland and Wolff Welders supporter
Dear HWW Supporter
Firstly, have you ever thought about signing this keeper for
the Welders? 15 games in a row where he scored more goals than
he conceded is an extremely impressive record. Do you have his
number?
I also think that you have a serious mental problem and need
to contact your doctor as soon as possible. Turning a Comber
TNC t-shirt down really does indicate that you are a few beers
short of a barrel. Get yourself down to the Kremlin, throw on
that Indian outfit (no not a ROI shirt) and camp it up for a
while. A few free cocktails and a free Comber TNC t-shirt. You’re
laughing. I might even see you
in there!!!
